Speaking Your Emotional Truth

I have been working through Relationship YOU - this will be the 3rd time for me personally.  I like to occasionally go back through the programs I have been certified to coach in for continued growth and learning as I believe we never truly "Arrive" but rather "Strive to Arrive".  Anyway, today I had one of those "AHA" moments of clarity regarding relationships and speaking your emotional truth which I feel compelled to share.  


It's interesting when I look back at what I wrote over 3 years ago when I went through the program!
The exercises are excellent to come back to. In doing so this time around, I can now see clearly that I took necessary action in divorcing my ex-husband after all the work I had done to speak my emotional truth with him. So much was dredged up for us - memories both in my mind and my body allowed me to finally do what was best for us both. We just did not know what we didn't know!  I carried false beliefs throughout my marriage about myself that I was unaware of until I began my transformational journey through YOU University.

To face up to all I had been holding on to, own up to my responsibility in it, and recognize the damage that had truly occurred over 29 years... oh wow!  Needless to say, we knew that our time together had served its purpose for us and it was time to move on. We could not salvage our relationship because it was based on a false ME - not who I truly was.  That reality was unclear to me and completely unknown to him until I began to discover my true self through YOU University and allowed myself to finally speak my emotional truth.  In the end, I knew I could not expect to change him - he WAS real, had spoken his emotional truth, and I honor and respect who he is. I just realized he was not the person I could be married to any longer - even though I still see him as one of my very best friends.  If it weren't for all I did to heal, we may both have continued to live our lives married - but unhappy, unfulfilled and not truthful to ourselves. 

When I began to awaken to the real me, I knew the man I had married was actually in love with the person I was NOT. Difficult and harsh - but true.

I am still working on healing that wounded child inside while now in a whole new relationship. This time, however, I am able to voice what is going on immediately, speaking my emotional truth, and my boyfriend David is able to see the "real me" early in the relationship - rather than years and years later when all I had swept under the rug finally came to light!  

This is the very first relationship I have had that is based on my feeling whole and authentic. What is wonderful about it all is that I don't doubt how he feels about me like I did with my ex - because I won't wonder if it is the "real me" he loves or the Gina I tried to be to please him, something I did my whole life. It's an eye opener for sure!

Learn to speak your emotional truth.  Don't sweep issues under the rug and hold your feelings inside.  Let others get to know the authentic person you truly are.  It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself and the people you love.

Be Patient

I awoke this morning feeling very heavy, yet aware. I have been in such a state of denial and calling it resistance! I have been undermining my own worth. I have been putting off getting my course created, writing for my blog, creating articles and more. Even as I type this, I am distracted by an incoming text and notifications from FB friends! I recognize this clearly and have been using tools to process my feelings to get to the root. Thankfully, writing love letters, finding the gift, gratitude lists, mirror exercise, pyramid of power and more have given me some clarity that feels good and honoring of who I am.

I know that my business is valuable, beyond measure, so what gives? I believe I have narrowed it down through a process of elimination... It's not that I don't believe in the value of what I have to offer. It's not that I am incapable of writing or creating. It's not about feeling in competition with anyone. It's not a fear of failure or success. I am open to receiving and love that I am attracting the right clients at the right time! I have accepted that it truly is about timing and feeling prepared to present. It is ME - my authentic self!
For some time, I realize, I have been looking at what other people are doing in their businesses and asking in the back of my mind HOW are they getting so much accomplished so quickly? How did they start? How did they know what to prioritize? Etc.... I began to sell myself short - saying to myself that I just am not as organized, not as business-savvy, blah, blah, blah...

What I realize is that, in order for me to feel good and not rushed or stressed or overwhelmed, I am postponing things on purpose. I decided to step back and take the time I need for self care, exploration, to slow things down in such a way that I can really put a meaningful business plan into effect. What I had written as a business plan when I started coaching no longer fits where I am today. It has needed revamping for a couple of years now actually. I guess I thought I could "wing it" without a written business plan or goals with dates. I am now owning up to the fact that I personally need this kind of accountability to myself. So recently I have been reading, watching videos and writing lists of what I need to do to make things flow in a way that is pleasing to me. It isn't on other people's time and really, that's OK! I was attempting to force myself to work in a way that I felt would be pleasing to those I see as being real "go-getters" and was exhausting myself trying to set unrealistic limits on myself. I was not honoring my own capacity and instead was trying to live up to someone else's standards of success.

It feels very good to come to this awareness. I had been feeling "out of sync" for a while and really not able to quite put a finger on what was going on - other than feeling not so productive in the marketing of my business. What I realize is that I have, in fact, been very productive for my purposes and can now clearly see that by my taking the time to create a good business plan, I am well on my way to creating exactly what I picture my business to look like. That feels awesome! Just because others may not see that things are happening or progressing as they might envision it to look like from the outside, doesn't mean that what I am doing now won't manifest into that in powerful ways. I believe it will!

 

This morning I'm feeling very somber.  You know how there are just days you really absorb what you are surrounded by?  Some days (most now) I can just let much of it be background noise as I focus on whatever is in front of me moment to moment, and other days I am completely absorbed in the outer influence and very sensitive physically & emotionally by what my mind & body are taking in by my surroundings.   

I recognize that my sensitivity started last night.  I was happily working on my computer when David walked in after his day of work.  I was thrilled he was home and yet a bit distracted as I was in a "groove" and wanted to complete the project I was working on.  He decided to turn on the TV and immediately I heard that Robin Williams had passed - likely a suicide.  Suddenly, as if I had just learned my own family member or close friend died,  I realized that my body was tensing up and I noticed that I had formed an inability to swallow.  Then the tears started.  I was wracked with grief!  My mind was telling me that this reaction was pretty dramatic, I mean this was not a member of my family or anybody close to me and yet I was having the very same reaction I might if it were my best friend or family member or any person I was close to.   I was very aware how suddenly my entire body and mind sort of snapped from being calm and peaceful and happy to experiencing real grief.  

I managed to calm myself, but couldn't shake the strong reaction and then a bit later David was sharing an old photo of himself, his brother, a few other men in his family and his father who passed away not long after that photo was taken.  It's a wonderful photo and David smiled and shared some memories of that time in his life, very excited and proud.  My heart was overcome by his joy of his young childhood memories and the little girl in me wanted to share the same, so I opened an old box of photos I had not looked in for many years.  As soon as I saw the first picture of myself as a little girl,  I was again struck with a deep sadness.  This photo triggered something inside.  

Were the pictures associated with too many hard memories?  Possibly.  Was it in hearing about Robin Williams dieing which set off memories and that familiar grief of having lost so many of my own family?  Death seems to be the prevailing theme...  I am working on just allowing the feelings and noticing what my mind is saying and how my body is reacting.  It's quite amazing how one incident can trigger such emotion and set into motion more of the same.  Law of attraction?  I really think I would prefer attracting something more positive!  

I best get to working on moving through these feelings of grief so that I can focus on the things I want to attract more of!  This journal entry is a good first step.  Next, I think I'll write a Love Letter to Death and put him to rest for a while.  Then a gratitude list to move my feelings into a happier place.  I can feel the tension slowly easing knowing I have these tools to use.  Whew, I'm sure glad for that!  There was a time in my life I would have wallowed in the hard feelings for way too long not knowing there was a way to work through them and into feelings of joy and gratitude and love.  I'm so grateful I have YOU University tools!!